


Soulcrusher

by Grotesgi



Category: Transformers - All Media Types
Genre: Alien Planet, Aliens, Aquariums, Breakout, Captive Mers, Captivity, Escape, Free Mers, Gen, Humans, Merformers, Minor Character Death, injuries
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-07-22
Updated: 2020-07-22
Packaged: 2021-03-04 18:34:15
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 13,123
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25450963
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Grotesgi/pseuds/Grotesgi
Summary: They wanted out, they got out. But where from there when the way is so long?
Comments: 5
Kudos: 15





	1. Breaking

**Author's Note:**

> This shares the first chapter with [When the Waves Come Crashing Over Us](https://archiveofourown.org/works/25341292), so if you've read that, you can jump straight to second chapter. Alternative way for that fic to end!
> 
> Considerably less happy. Oop.

“Are we sure about this?” Sideswipe whispered as the lights began to dim. The humans would be gone soon, and then…

Then.

“We are,” Sunstreaker responded vehemently, swimming their usual circle by his side.

And Sideswipe wished he had all of his brother’s certainty. Because Sideswipe, he wasn’t so sure about this.

Six years. For six years this tank and the room it was in had been all they knew. There was the one window they could see through to what was outside of their tank in that direction—a wide hallway the humans traversed, and beyond it, more tanks with other creatures in them. Smaller creatures.

They were the only big ones they’d ever seen.

On the opposite side of the tank was the platform the humans always called them to. There were three doors on the wall behind it: two double doors and one lonely one. They knew what was behind those, to an extent. Two led to storage areas. Nothing interesting, it was just where the humans pulled equipment from.

But the double doors in the middle… There was something more behind it. When even one of the doors was open, you could see another set of double doors on the far side of the room.

It was what the humans used to come to their tank.

There was something beyond it. Something _more._

More than just the tank and the platform. 

_More._ There had been more, once upon a time. Before they were yearlings, there had been _more._

But that was such a long time ago. Six years. 

Sideswipe wasn’t even sure how much he trusted those memories. There had been the sea. Endless in all directions. No walls. Never walls. Waves, currents… They moved you even when you weren’t moving, made you work to stay in position.

There wasn’t this… _Stillness._ The water in the tank didn’t move.

And… There had been carrier. Taking care of them, coaching them on how to survive in the wide open ocean. Teaching them about the dangers while letting them frolick their young hearts out under the safety of their pod’s watchful eyes.

There had been so much to learn. So much to do.

So much to live for.

And then it had all been stripped from them. _All of it._ Their pod, their carrier, the ocean.

Their freedom, their joy.

Replaced with… _This._

Sideswipe had a look around the tank as they swam. This was their home. Four solid walls defined the boundaries of it, tiled. Blue. Same for the floor. There was the platform, the only way out of the pool. Not that they really wanted to get out of it.

Well… They didn’t want to get out of it just to get on the platform instead, where they were on land, slow and defenseless and uncomfortable.

But maybe they wanted to get out for something more.

And there was the window. Aside from the doors, that was their only glimpse to the outside world. And it wasn’t really _outside,_ just a different part of the same building. 

But it was outside of their tank.

And Sideswipe? He hadn’t been outside of it in six years.

Maybe it was different for Sunstreaker because he had been moved every now and then to the second tank that was… Somewhere in the building too. They didn’t know where, but there it was. Sunstreaker had been out of _this_ tank.

Maybe that gave him more courage than what Sideswipe had. Or maybe Sunstreaker just was that much braver. He had always been… _Bolder_ wasn’t necessarily the right word.

Dauntless. Sunstreaker was dauntless. Even if he felt fear, he didn’t let it slow him down. He wouldn’t let it control his actions.

Sideswipe couldn’t say the same about himself. He wasn’t a coward either, but he didn’t have the unyielding confidence in himself that Sunstreaker carried. Sunstreaker _knew_ he could survive through anything, so there was nothing he needed to fear too much.

Sideswipe was pretty sure there were a lot of things he would struggle to pull through. He wasn’t Sunstreaker.

But that had always been alright, because they were together, and Sunstreaker was there for him. Like he was now. Sideswipe could feel Sunstreaker’s certainty practically oozing from him, saturating the water around them and building some steel in Sideswipe’s own floundering heart.

This had been it. For six years. Six years they’d dreamed of the ocean they’d been taken from, unable to return but yearning all the same.

Always yearning.

And now… They were on the threshold of trying to fulfill their dreams.

All or nothing. This was their chance. If they failed…

Sideswipe wasn’t sure what would happen if they failed. He didn’t want to think about it. Sunstreaker had said they wouldn’t fail. They really couldn’t afford to, Sideswipe could agree on that much.

If they succeeded? That thought was equally scary if you asked him.

 _Six years._ They’d been so young. How well did their memories even hold up after all this time? How much had time gilded them?

“Sunny, I…” Sideswipe started, slowing down until he had stopped entirely. Sunstreaker continued a few paces ahead before stopping too, and turning around to look at him. His face was blank, but even so Sideswipe could already tell Sunstreaker knew what he was about to say.

He’d said it so many times.

The lights were almost to their lowest setting.

It was almost time.

And… “I’m scared,” he admitted in a voice small enough that he wasn’t sure if it would even carry to Sunstreaker. Sideswipe hung his head and wrapped his arms around himself.

Six years.

Sunstreaker might have heard after all, because he backtracked over to him and wrapped his arms around him. Sideswipe leaned against his chest, burying his face into the crook of his neck.

“I know,” his brother said. “But this’ll be worth it. _I promise.”_

And Sideswipe wanted to believe that. So bad.

“We don’t belong here,” Sunstreaker continued. “No matter what they’ve drilled into our heads. _We don’t belong here._ There’s more out there. You remember, right?” Sunstreaker’s voice slowly lowered until it was nothing but a soothing murmur in his ear. “This isn’t all there is.”

“I remember,” Sideswipe whispered back. He did.

And he didn’t want this to be all there was, either. _Knew_ it wasn’t.

He just… Wasn’t sure it would be worth it. It wasn’t… _So_ bad here. They were fed, and they were safe.

What did they have to do in return? Swim around looking pretty? Do some tricks they were rewarded for in treats? Let the humans touch and handle them? Entertain them?

It could be worse.

But it was so boring. There was so little to do. Nothing to explore, just the same tank with its four tiled walls, and the platform. That was the beginning and the end of their _entire_ living space. 

Versus what they would’ve had if they were _out there._ Out there there were no limits whatsoever, _no_ beginning and _no_ end to where they could go.

Everywhere. They could’ve gone anywhere, everywhere.

And the humans?

They had to put up with _so much_ in here. From their first day here. 

No food, except from _them._

He’d been too terrified to leave the very bottom of the tank for a week straight. Sunstreaker hadn’t been much better.

After that first week hunger had finally won over, and one of the many times the humans came to offer them fish, he had given in and went over to snatch it from them as quickly as he could before returning to the bottom of the tank to share it with Sunstreaker.

They didn’t like that he did that. They let him do it for a few days, then they’d upped the difficulty. They hadn’t just let go of the fish, but held it at the end of their stupid stick. He hadn’t been able to return anything to Sunstreaker like that, when he needed to stay there just to get pieces off of the only food they were offered.

Sunstreaker had been headstrong and stubborn and he’d gone three more days without any food before the hunger had gotten too much even for him.

And once they were both fetching their food from the humans, they’d only made it harder and harder to _earn._ First came the platform. Come out of the water or no food for you.

That had been relatively easy.

But the _touching_ began after that. Just… Petting, and if you got spooked and went back to the water, well, no food for you.

He could still remember the way his heart had been hammering as he tried to finish the fish as quickly as he could to get away from their hands.

That was when Sunstreaker had started to act out too. He hadn’t wanted the touching either, but he hadn’t been too afraid to do something about.

He’d snapped and lashed out when they tried to touch him. A few times there had been blood. The humans had gotten careful with him, but they hadn’t… _Stopped._

No cooperation, no food.

Sideswipe had cooperated. The alternative was to go hungry, and it wasn’t a pleasant feeling.

It was worse than putting up with them touching him more and more. Everywhere on his body, until he wasn’t afraid of what they were going to do anymore.

Just angry. But he didn’t act on it like Sunstreaker did.

Because you didn’t get food if you acted out.

Eventually Sunstreaker had given in too, the hunger getting too much for him to bear. The humans continued to be careful with him, but he didn’t do _as much_ anymore.

Once they were fine with the touching, came the orders. A sound the humans made that designated an action they were supposed to carry out.

No food if you didn’t do it.

And it had grown, and grown, until they’d _given up_ and accepted the only way to get food was to do whatever the humans asked. Sunstreaker had gotten so angry, and sometimes the humans got to feel it, but there was still fear, deep caution behind it all too.

The humans had killed their carrier. What would’ve stopped them from killing them too, if they became too much trouble?

So they didn’t become too much trouble, no matter the humiliation they were put through. Jump those hoops, do those tricks, take those orders…

Sideswipe shook his head from where he kept it buried against his twin’s neck. He didn’t want any more of that. Not a single day more of that. He didn’t want to be a puppet to the humans, held hostage with the threat of starvation, a prisoner in the manmade construct that doubled as a torture chamber. 

It wasn’t so bad? It _was_ that bad. 

He didn’t want to take any more of it. Not one more show where the humans cheered for him while he followed their handlers’ orders. Not one more training session that left his skin crawling. Not one more operation they saw fit to put him through— _tie his arms so he couldn’t fight back too much, expect him to just stay there and take it._

And he had stayed there and taken it so many times.

No more. Could he have a no more?

He wanted.

He feared.

“We’ll get out of here,” Sunstreaker growled, tightening his hold on him for a moment before pulling back to have a look at him. Sideswipe met his eyes, knowing his own face reflected such a mix of emotion.

This was their home.

But also, it wasn’t. It wasn’t supposed to be.

Their home was _out there._ In the ocean. 

They didn’t belong here.

So Sideswipe nodded mutely, closing his eyes and letting Sunstreaker’s surety seep into him.

They’d get out, and… And it would be all right. Things would work out. For the better.

Better than this.

“You remember the combination?” Sunstreaker asked, prompting Sideswipe to open his eyes back up. He nodded again.

“Top right, left middle, right middle, low middle,” he recited the phrase he’d memorized.

It hadn’t taken a lot of time. If the humans had wondered why he hung out on the platform for the sake of it, they hadn’t shown it, just went about their business. And Sideswipe had watched, as subtly as he could.

There was the pad next to the middle doors, with buttons with symbols on them. The humans pressed it in certain order when they wanted to leave, if the door wasn’t open.

_It opened the door._

And whatever was on the other side of it… It was _more._ More than this. 

It was a chance.

The lights were out except for the small ones that stayed on all night like messed up moonlight. Sideswipe’s breathing quickened.

They’d promised to wait for a while after this, to make sure there would be no one around. They never saw anyone during the night. There was no one around during the night as far as they knew.

But they had to make sure everyone had had all the time they needed to leave. 

So. A little while.

It was a little while to have more time for second thoughts, but Sideswipe set to battle every last one of them as they continued swimming. Yes, this was safe. They were fed, there were no dangers. They were taken care of.

But they weren’t happy. The tradeoff was being at the humans’ mercy every moment of every day.

It wasn’t worth it.

_It wasn’t._

He just had to remember that. Had to remember all the negative and forget the positive, lest his resolve crumble.

Sunstreaker showed no signs of hesitation, no doubt. Sideswipe envied him.

They swam and waited. There were no sounds aside from the steady background hum of the aquarium. No human voices.

Nothing but them and the water.

“Let’s go,” Sunstreaker eventually said, taking the lead and breaking from their circle to head to the platform. Sideswipe followed, trying to calm his heart, his fears, with thoughts and memories of the times before all this.

Back to that. They were going back to that. He had to believe it was as good as he remembered.

Had to, or his courage would fail.

Sunstreaker pulled himself up from the water and Sideswipe followed suit. They both dragged themselves to the door, Sunstreaker lifting one hand to the pad only to hesitate.

“What did you say the combination was?”

“Top right, left middle, right middle, low middle.”

Sunstreaker followed his instruction and pressed the buttons with his claw. Once he finished, there was a beep, a light turned green, and they could hear a _click_ from the door. 

They exchanged a glance before Sideswipe carefully reached over and pressed the door handle.

The door opened.

Sideswipe’s heart threatened to pound straight out of his chest despite himself. 

Sunstreaker didn’t hesitate. “Come on,” he said before pushing past Sideswipe to squeeze through the doorway. The second door didn’t open, but they didn’t really have the time to figure out how to open it. It wasn’t necessary anyway.

It was a tight fit, but rolling onto his side, Sunstreaker was able to squeeze himself through the open door and into the room beyond. Sideswipe glanced after him once, but there really wasn’t room for them both in the room, spacious as it was.

“Next?” he asked, trying and failing to keep his voice from quivering.

The tank was right there. All he needed to do was turn around and slip back into its welcoming water and pretend they’d never tried this.

Everything would be as it had been.

 _No._ No. He didn’t want that. He didn’t want the humans watching or directing his every move.

He didn’t want to be here.

He wanted to be out there.

It would be worth it.

Sunstreaker didn’t answer him with more than a growl when the second door wouldn’t budge when he pressed its handle. But Sunstreaker wasn’t discouraged. He pulled back a little bit before lunging forward, ramming his shoulder into the middle of the double doors.

They weren’t meant to take abuse like that, and under Sunstreaker’s weight and strength they buckled. Another hit and they slammed open to the tune of his brother’s satisfied grunt. _“That,_ next. Come.”

Sideswipe couldn’t see what was behind the second doors past his brother’s bulk, but Sunstreaker made his way through them—far more easily now that they were both open.

And Sideswipe? He glanced over his shoulder at the tank, bit his lip-

And turned to wriggle his way through the doorway far too small for them.

Only the tip of Sunstreaker’s tail was visible by the time Sideswipe made it into the next room, and he pulled his way through it until he could glance through the next doorway to see where Sunstreaker was headed.

There was a hallway there. Pretty big one. Big enough for them to maneuver relatively comfortably.

That was a relief, at least.

“How do you know which way to go?” Sideswipe whispered after Sunstreaker, glancing up and down the hall. It looked the same in both directions.

“Can’t you smell that?” Sunstreaker responded no more loudly. It didn’t feel right to be too loud now, even if there was no one to hear them.

Even if they made more noise by just moving around. By breathing—shallow, desperate inhales into too small lungs, exhales just as quick. Rinse and repeat, pant pant _pant_.

And that was just staying still. Moving was so much worse.

But Sideswipe sniffed at the prompting. There was water. Their tank, but also whiffs of other tanks. Humans. Their stench was strong. Fish, food. The scent of the entire construct they were in—the air circulation.

No, no, not just that. Sideswipe’s head whipped around when he could get just the faintest sense of _fresh air_ from the direction Sunstreaker was headed. 

It could be nothing, but there was nothing but the smell of the aquarium in the other direction.

It could be something.

Sunstreaker was already headed to that direction with purpose in his motions, and Sideswipe followed, now with more hope than what he’d felt since they started to look for ways to actually _escape._ It had felt like a pipe dream at first, not something achievable.

But then they had come up with a plan. A poor one, one with just a single step and a _who knows_ after that, but it was more than nothing. 

Sideswipe still hadn’t dared think it would actually work. He didn’t want to hope only for that to be crushed.

But that was a lie. He wanted to hope, he wanted to hope so badly.

He had just been so afraid.

Still was, but now… He felt reinvigorated, too. Like there was a _chance._ A small one, but it was there and he couldn’t deny it.

Sunstreaker led the way to the end of the first hallway. After that, there was another, but this one was pretty big too. And no doors in the connection point of those two.

They followed the scent to another set of doors, but those gave way to Sunstreaker’s shoulder too. Sideswipe wanted to say something about the blood that was left behind on the door and the bruises he knew Sunstreaker’s shoulder would have, but bit his lip. It went without saying.

It also went without saying it was a price Sunstreaker would’ve been willing to pay a hundred times over.

But what opened on the other side of these doors?

A large room, full of human made equipment, some familiar, some not. 

But that wasn’t the important detail. What was important was how much stronger the scent of fresh air had gotten.

Sideswipe could feel his heart rushing to beat all over again, this time for an entirely different reason. _Excitement._ A stupid, hopeful little feeling that made his chest flutter.

He didn’t know whether to embrace or stifle it.

They’d both stilled on arrival to the large space, but Sunstreaker set in motion at that moment, rushing over the hard floor to the other wall, heedless of how raw the skin on their undersides had already gotten from _too much_ moving on land. Sideswipe followed, barely keeping up.

Eagerness. He hadn’t seen that emotion in Sunstreaker since… Forever. 

Sunstreaker hoped. 

Sideswipe almost gave himself the permission to do the same. It drowned out the pain from his abraded skin, made him want to _move._

To _try._

They couldn’t fail.

They _wouldn’t._

The wall was barely a wall at all with how many doors it had. But these ones didn’t look like they would open on vertical hinges. There were no hinges, and they were segmented, and even to Sideswipe’s untrained eye it looked like they were supposed to go _up._

And the smell of fresh air. It was so strong, streaming in from every crack, every crevice.

It had him longing like he didn’t know possible.

But he couldn’t _get_ to it.

“How do we open these?” Sideswipe asked, still in whisper, hobbling around to inspect the doors just as Sunstreaker did. “These look too solid to break.”

Sunstreaker was quiet for a moment, fiddling with some sort of a mechanism next to one door. It did nothing, and he scowled before the expression morphed into an ugly snarl.

Sunstreaker wanted out, that much was so obvious.

Sideswipe did too, but right next to the overwhelming excitement there was equally overwhelming fear of the unknown.

If they got these doors open, what would be on the other side?

What did the outside world look like?

What did it _feel_ like?

He couldn’t think like that though. Not _if_ they got the doors, but _when._

But something made him feel they were already on borrowed time. They needed to hurry and be out of here if they ever wanted to escape. 

To that end Sunstreaker rumbled before backing up a little bit. “We’ll see about that.”

Before Sideswipe could voice his skepticism on the doors’ durability again, Sunstreaker had already turned around in one violent motion, putting considerable momentum into his already strong tail and _slamming_ it into one of the doors. Sideswipe winced at the resulting bang, both for its loudness and because he knew that an impact like that had to beyond hurt.

But Sunstreaker didn’t show it. He didn’t react in any way. Again Sideswipe had no chance to say anything before Sunstreaker had already repeated the motion, although Sideswipe noted that he tried to aim with a different part of his tail this time around. 

He could only hope that the muscle and fat would be enough to protect his bones.

On the second impact, no lesser than the first, the segments of the door started to come apart. _Air_ streamed into the room in one intoxicating cloud and even Sideswipe couldn’t contain himself anymore, moving closer.

This time he got a word in. “Let me,” he said, pushing Sunstreaker aside. Sunstreaker went more easily than he would’ve expected, which raised concern on how badly hurt he actually was—but there was no time for that right now. They had to get out first. They could take stock of their injuries later.

Once they were safe.

They _would_ get to safety. The _real_ kind, not artificially built by stealing their freedom.

The safety of the waves where humans couldn’t reach them. _That_ safety.

Sideswipe allowed himself to hope.

And he did just what Sunstreaker had done, swinging his tail with all the power he could put behind it into the damaged door. It didn’t break apart _entirely,_ but it was damn near. 

There was a hole. Not big enough for them to pass through, but that didn’t matter. Sunstreaker pushed past him again, impatient, and this time used his arms to push the damaged pieces aside enough-

Enough that the hole was big enough. Barely so, and there were sharp bits all over the place, but it would do.

Sunstreaker didn’t stop to wait. As soon as there was the opening, he was already pushing through it, arms first to catch himself on the other side, dragging his tail after him.

Sideswipe noticed the blood that was left behind on the broken door.

He suspected his own would soon join it.

He barely waited until Sunstreaker’s tail fin was through the hole before he was already taking his turn, and yeah, he was right about the blood. He couldn’t possibly lift his tail enough to entirely avoid scraping it against the shattered pieces of the door. They dug into his flesh painfully.

But he ignored it. There was no way he couldn’t ignore it as soon as his head had passed through.

Because an invisible stream of air hit him in the face.

_Wind._

Sideswipe couldn’t contain the sob that had nothing to do with the long scrapes left on his underside as he pulled the rest of his tail after him.

Wind.

Wind wind _wind._

He’d forgotten what it felt like, what it smelled like, but now Sideswipe couldn’t do more than gasp, pulling it in with every breath with all of its wild scents.

So many scents.

Sunstreaker had stopped, just as enthralled. And that was before Sideswipe even had the presence of mind to glance around. 

When he did... 

Well, he cried, and he wasn’t even ashamed of it. 

It was all land, and that wasn’t good, but they were _out._ There were trees, other shrubs. Human buildings—all bathed in real, _actual_ moonlight.

Above them, the sky stretched in all directions, littered with stars.

He hadn’t remembered how many stars there were.

But most importantly, there was nothing and no one to stop them from going where they wanted to go.

Speaking of which… “Sunny, Sunny, Sunny,” Sideswipe rushed to his brother’s side, trying to ignore the burning pain in his underside. “We need to go.”

“Yeah. Yeah we gotta,” Sunstreaker agreed, sounding and looking a little dazed.

But at least he agreed. 

Water. They needed to find water, and Sideswipe tried to sniff for it, but there was _so much._ He couldn’t make sense of all the smells assaulting his senses, no matter how he tried. There were just too many. Human smells, so many different plants, the ground itself, nearby animals, the night air with its own cool scent, and everything the wind brought to them from who knew where. 

He didn’t know what to make of it all. His chest tightened all over again, disquiet seeping in. 

Too much. There was far too much.

Sunstreaker’s hand covering his jerked Sideswipe out of his quickly spiraling thoughts and his eyes snapped to his brother. Sunstreaker was looking at him, his face far more lucid than what Sideswipe was feeling.

Sideswipe was pretty sure his eyes were wild with everything. And not in an entirely good way.

“We gotta go,” Sunstreaker repeated.

“Where? Where do we go?” Sideswipe asked, voice shivering.

Where was water?

Sunstreaker sniffed the air too. Sideswipe could see the concentration on his face, and time passed by. Too much of it.

They were in a hurry, but they couldn’t rush in just any direction and hope it would lead to water. Who knew how far inland they were.

But there had to be water somewhere close enough for them to reach.

There _had_ to be.

He didn’t want to accept the alternative. 

After long seconds Sunstreaker pointed towards the distance. “Can you smell that?”

Again Sideswipe sniffed the air, again he tried and failed to shift through all the scents.

At first. But he tried, and he focused, and he took his time categorizing and discarding anything that wasn’t important.

Until he could smell it too. It was far, and it was faint, but there was the scent of water.

Fresh water.

But it was water.

“Yeah, I can,” Sideswipe breathed. “How far is it?”

“Not too far,” Sunstreaker said, pretty face twisting into a snarl all over again. “Let’s go.”

He didn’t need to say what the hurry was for. _Before the humans noticed they were gone, before the suns would rise and fry them with their merciless heat._

Before they were either caught or killed.

Water was their only salvation.

So Sunstreaker didn’t waste any more time, setting in motion towards the distant scent of the water. Sideswipe followed suit, dragging himself after his brother and aiding the task with his tail as much as he could—which wasn’t much. 

It hurt. By the pits it hurt. The ground was rough gravel under them. He already had wounds littering his underside, the skin was already next to gone.

His palms soon joined in on the injuries, when the small rocks ground into and through the thin skin.

It was getting hard to breathe, and not just because he couldn’t get enough air. The pain was constricting his throat even further, made tears stream unbidden down his face.

It hurt. It hurt so much.

Sunstreaker didn’t slow down.

Sideswipe couldn’t either.

On they went, sometimes obstructed by fences or buildings that made Sideswipe despair. The way was already so long, they didn’t need anything lengthening it further, but they had to take reroutes that only added to the distance.

Only added to the pain.

He was shaking from it and from the constant feeling of suffocation when Sunstreaker suddenly stopped. They were behind some bushes, on the other side of which there was an open, barren, winding route.

Something had given them the feeling they should avoid those, and when Sunstreaker hissed an urgent, “Get down!” they got their reason for the feeling.

Sideswipe dropped to the ground as soon as the order was given, as did Sunstreaker. At first he didn’t know what his brother had noticed, but within seconds the sound of a human vehicle became apparent. He hadn’t heard that in years, but he could still remember it.

The boat, the other vehicle afterwards. They’d both made that sound.

After another second light hit the bushes they were cowering behind. The sound got louder and louder as the thing approached, and Sideswipe could feel his heart beating so fast and hard it hurt. Was it going to come straight through the bushes? Hit them?

But no, it followed the route they’d been avoiding to the best of their ability. It went fast around the curve, and then its sound began to quiet as it moved into the distance.

For once Sideswipe was glad for their dull scales that wouldn’t have reflected much light even if some had hit them through the bushes. Maybe they would’ve gotten noticed otherwise.

Because there was no doubt there were humans in that thing.

They waited for a while longer until the sounds of the night returned, as if they’d never been disturbed in the first place. Then Sunstreaker rose back up, and Sideswipe did the same. They glanced at each other, spooked—but Sunstreaker, determined. Sideswipe could see it in his eyes.

Sideswipe didn’t feel as determined. “Let’s keep going,” Sunstreaker said quietly, flicking him with his tail. Sideswipe nodded numbly. The pause had given him a little too much time to think about the throbbing all around his underside, his palms—where he’d hit his tail against the door.

It all hurt.

Sunstreaker had to be hurting even more, what with his shoulder and doubly damaged tail, but he still didn’t show it. Sideswipe couldn’t understand how he managed that. 

Sideswipe for sure was showing it. His breath threatened to hitch with every movement he made, and the tears never slowed.

But they had to keep going.

They had to.

What was the alternative? Turn back? That would hurt just as much. Stay where they were until someone found them?

Dragged them back?

_At least the pain would end._

The humans were good at treating injuries. They could fix all of this too, Sideswipe was sure of it.

The pain would end.

It was such a tempting thought, but Sunstreaker didn’t wait, and Sideswipe hurried to follow despite the agony welling in the bloody trail they both left behind. Someone could definitely follow that.

But there was no one to follow it yet. Likely wouldn’t be before the morning.

And the night wasn’t at its end yet. The suns wouldn’t arrive yet.

They still had time.

If they could keep going.

Sideswipe’s resolve was wavering, though. Every grassy area they came to was a relief, but more often than not it was gravel they had to travel through. Not sand, _gravel._ The little rocks dug into his injuries, and Sideswipe was pretty sure they were inserting themselves straight into them. He wasn’t looking forward to the process of removing them.

 _The humans could do it._ They’d sedate him, make him feel less, and they’d fix everything, all the scrapes, cuts, bruises, missing skin. It wouldn’t need to hurt so much.

All they needed to do was-

All they needed to do…

It hurt so much.

“Sunstreaker, I can’t do this.” Sideswipe came to a stop on the relieving span of grass they’d come across. Just… A moment of resting on something softer.

Something that didn’t aggravate his injuries as much.

The water was still so far. He could smell it, but it was _still so far._

“It’s too far,” Sideswipe pleaded to Sunstreaker with his voice, his eyes. Sunstreaker met his gaze without a flicker of expression.

Sideswipe didn’t know what he thought. He had no idea.

“Let’s just turn back,” he continued desperately, lifting one of his hands to look at his palm.

He sobbed at the sight. It was little more than a bloody mess. There were little rocks embedded in the lost skin between the ragged bits of black that were left of healthy scales.

He shook his head. He couldn’t do this. There was no way he could do this. “We can still make it back,” Sideswipe yet said, his voice cracking and breaking, desperation warring with another form of itself.

Despair at the thought of going back to the place they’d gone to such lengths to leave.

Despair at the thought of continuing towards some distant hope of water and its respite, that they weren’t sure they could ever even reach. If their injuries didn’t get them, maybe morning would. Maybe the suns would.

Finish them off.

Fish weren’t meant to be on land.

If they just went back... “The humans- The humans will come in the morning,” Sideswipe said, or tried to, but he was sobbing and gasping for air and he had no idea how much of what he said was even legible, “A-and they can help us back into our tank.

 _“Please,_ Sunstreaker. Let’s just go back. I- I can’t do this. It’s too much.”


	2. Burn It Down

For a moment Sunstreaker didn’t say or do anything. Sideswipe returned his palm to the ground to support his weight, and cried harder at the pain that shot up his arm.

Oh Primus they hurt. His palms, his underside. Everything hurt. Stabbing, throbbing, sharp, dull—he couldn’t even tell it all apart anymore.

It just hurt.

“If you want to go back-” Sunstreaker started, and Sideswipe glanced up at him, but Sunstreaker was staring straight ahead.

Refusing to look at him. “-Then _go right ahead.”_

He snarled that. Sideswipe flinched.

Finally Sunsteaker looked back at him, but with the anger in his eyes Sideswipe wished he hadn’t.

It wasn’t directed just at the humans anymore. Sunstreaker was angry at him too. Sideswipe could imagine it. _‘Human loving scum.’_

How dare he even think about going back? After all they’d been through? How could he be so _weak?_

“But I’ll keep going, _with_ or _without_ you,” Sunstreaker continued. He didn’t raise his voice, but the eerie calm of it was in some ways worse than shouting would’ve been.

Sunstreaker knew what he wanted. He was going to work for it, no matter the cost.

He would leave Sideswipe behind, if that’s what it took.

Sideswipe hung his head, scrunching his eyes shut. He was just holding Sunstreaker back, wasn’t he?

“I can’t do this,” he whispered quietly, but he knew Sunstreaker heard him when his brother rumbled in aggravation. “I’m sorry, Sunstreaker. _I can’t.”_ His arms were shaking so bad. He was sore, he was tired, he was hurting.

And Sunstreaker didn’t need him. 

_“Fine,”_ Sunstreaker spat out. “Have it your way.”

With that, Sunstreaker set back in motion. Sideswipe panicked in that exact moment and tried to lurch forward himself.

They’d never been apart. _Ever._

And here Sunstreaker was, about to leave him.

But it hurt to move. Sideswipe’s attempt ground to a halt with a gasp as his underside scraped against the ground, as his palms reminded him of their rawness.

Sunstreaker didn’t need him. “Sunstreaker, please!” he called out anyway, fear muddling all of his thoughts and sapping his strength. Sunstreaker didn’t need him, but Sideswipe was pretty sure he needed Sunstreaker.

He was holding Sunstreaker back, though.

He sobbed. No matter what he tried to do, it hurt. Stay, hurt. Follow, hurt.

Which hurt more?

Sunstreaker didn’t even look back, didn’t say anything. He just kept going, and the distance between them grew. Slowly, but it did.

Sunstreaker didn’t hesitate.

Tears fuzzied Sideswipe’s vision, but _he_ couldn’t keep going. If he had wanted to… But Sunstreaker didn’t need him.

Sunstreaker was strong.

Sideswipe was weak.

Sideswipe would only hold Sunstreaker back.

It would be selfish to try to keep up with him, selfish to continue dragging him down with him.

He hadn’t known anything could hurt as much as that moment did, but as Sideswipe watched Sunstreaker’s retreating back, he knew he couldn’t follow him. Sunstreaker would be better off without him.

He didn’t want to hold him back. Sunstreaker knew what he wanted and Sunstreaker would get it, because Sunstreaker didn’t let anything or anyone stop him.

Not even Sideswipe.

They’d been together their whole lives, and Sideswipe had thought that meant something. Maybe it had, once upon the time, but the truth was that they were grown now. Almost adults.

If Sunstreaker had ever needed him, there was no reason to think he would anymore. No matter the circumstances they’d ever been in and how unnatural it all had been.

Sideswipe, he’d always relied on Sunstreaker. He knew he had, all his life. Sunstreaker had been his shelter and his strength, but had he ever been that to Sunstreaker? He doubted it.

He was just a weight his brother had been dragging around.

And that was over, now. He couldn’t keep doing that anymore, could he? It wouldn’t be fair.

Sunstreaker wanted to be free and he was ready to _suffer_ for it in a way Sideswipe wasn’t.

He was ready to leave Sideswipe for it.

“Sunny…” It wasn’t a wail. He wanted to wail, but he didn’t have it in him to be loud anymore. _Defeat_ crushed him. 

They’d gotten this far. So far, but now?

Sunstreaker kept going. He didn’t look back, he didn’t slow down, and Sideswipe sank to his elbows, taking the weight off his aching palms.

Sunstreaker didn’t need him.

Sunstreaker was done with him.

Primus, it hurt, but he loved his brother. He wanted Sunstreaker to be happy.

And if Sunstreaker needed freedom to be happy, _with or without Sideswipe…_ He couldn’t deny his brother that because of his own weakness.

He’d never wanted for freedom as badly as Sunstreaker had, that much was obvious. He was too afraid, too attached to the comfort the tank and the humans offered, the safety.

The certainty. The routines.

It was a cage, but a gilded one.

Would it be enough for him?

Without Sunstreaker?

It wasn’t his choice anymore. Sunstreaker had made his stance clear.

Even if he followed, he could never forget the rejection, that one moment where Sunstreaker announced for all of the world to hear that he had grown past Sideswipe. He was independent now—if he hadn’t always been.

Sideswipe was nothing.

He collapsed the rest of the way, sobs rocking his body as he finally let his head fall. He couldn’t keep watching the way Sunstreaker kept going without so much as a backward glance.

Like Sideswipe meant nothing to him.

Maybe he didn’t. Maybe next to _freedom,_ he didn’t. 

Freedom or Sideswipe. Sunstreaker had made his choice.

And Sideswipe couldn’t keep going.

He buried his face into the crook of his elbow and _cried._ Sunstreaker had meant everything to him for as long as he could remember, but this moment was cutting through all that—severing it all, tearing them apart.

And he didn’t know how to handle it.

Sunstreaker kept going.

Sideswipe stayed, and he cried. He cried for everything they’d been through together, for everything they had been together, for the pain in his body, for the pain of the rejection, for the knowledge that this would be the end of them.

He’d thought they were inseparable, but it was clear that was a relation only artificially created. Remove the shackles and Sunstreaker cut himself free, capable of standing under his own power.

Sideswipe couldn’t.

Sideswipe was nothing.

He didn’t know how long he stayed there like that, laying on the ground like a dead thing with only his shoulders shaking and his breath hitching, but when he finally glanced up again…

There was no Sunstreaker.

There was only the bloody trail he had left behind when he’d dragged himself on towards freedom.

The cracks in his heart finally cut all the way through and shattered it into a million pieces.

Sideswipe drew in one more shallow breath before black claimed him.

* * *

Light was pouring from the horizon by the time he came back to it. He would have thought it was a nightmare if it wasn’t for the grass he could feel beneath his body before his eyes even opened, the smell of blood and the pain from his wounds.

And never in his worst nightmares had he ever imagined _this_ could have happened.

That Sunstreaker could leave him.

That Sunstreaker _would_ leave him.

He didn’t want to wake up, but the black left him as certainly as the morning was coming and forced his eyes open.

He didn’t know what next. What would he do without Sunstreaker?

Did he want to do anything at all? Sideswipe wasn’t sure he did. The hurt was too fresh. His chest ached and his heart wasn’t anything more than a gaping, yawning wound that bled black muck into his entire body. He wasn’t sure how it even kept on beating.

His skin was dry and tight. He could feel it pulling taut over his muscles as he stared into nothing. The wind whipped over him in unsteady bursts, moving the grass around him. It tickled.

He didn’t want to get up.

He didn’t get up.

He continued to lay there as the suns kept rising up. Before long he could feel their rays first touch him, hot despite the early hour.

Sideswipe closed his eyes again. The suns meant death for sea creatures like him.

Maybe that was for the best. He just hoped Sunstreaker had made it to water.

That Sunstreaker had found what he was looking for. Freedom, from both the humans and…

And Sideswipe.

His body was throbbing, an ugly reminder that he was still alive for now. It grounded him into a reality he didn’t want to be real as he waited for the suns to progress higher up into the sky and do their number on him.

Even if he had wanted to get out of their way, he didn’t know where he would’ve gone. The water was still far away. The aquarium was too far away. There were some shadows nearby, but those would’ve only postponed the inevitable a little bit.

Fish didn’t survive out of water.

He wasn’t sure how much longer he laid there, but the suns were burning his skin by the time sounds had him open his eyes again.

Human sounds. When he looked, there was a group of them, watching him from a safe distance. Pointing at him, making noises at each other. Mostly big humans, but there were a few little ones too. Their vehicles were behind them.

He didn’t think much of it, but kept watching them for the lack of anything better to do. They chattered on. The little ones tried to approach him a few times, only to be held back by the larger ones.

The suns were so hot.

Then a few of them left his field of view. Sideswipe didn’t bother moving his head to see where they had gone, not even when he heard rustling behind him.

He jerked when a spray of water suddenly hit him, soaking his scorched skin. It was a relief he wasn’t sure he wanted, but he couldn’t deny it felt good.

He closed his eyes again.

A little more time passed with them occasionally wetting his body to undo some of the damage the suns were intent on dealing as they headed higher into the sky. When there was the sound of more vehicles approaching, he looked again.

A couple of smaller vehicles were accompanied by one very big one. Out of them came more humans. Familiar humans, these ones.

Humans from the aquarium, the ones that had cared for them.

 _Them._ His breath hitched at the reminder and his hands balled into fists. It hurt, with the shredded messes that passed as his palms right now, but the physical pain distracted him from the emotional one enough that he could focus back on the humans. They were approaching, making soothing noises at him.

He watched, numb, and let them come close. Touch him, make more noises at each other, gesture and move around him. They made sure to keep spraying water on him intermittently.

Kept keeping him alive.

Sideswipe sighed.

It wasn’t much longer after that that they moved the big vehicle closer and spread a large canvas next to him. They directed him to roll over onto it.

Sideswipe didn’t, immediately, but after they poked him a few times in encouragement, he eventually heaved himself onto his arms enough to slide his body onto the span of the material. Once he was settled they brought his arms behind his back and tied them together. He didn’t fight it.

There was a needle and a sting after that. Tension left his body and Sideswipe embraced the haze that covered his mind. It distracted him from… Everything else. All the things he didn’t want to think about.

All the things he didn’t want to be real.

His body was wrapped into the embrace of the sling when they used the big vehicle to lift him onto its bed. He could feel it rumbling beneath him, its sound growing louder as they began to move. Some humans kept him company and kept pouring water over him as they began to travel under the burn of the suns. Sideswipe let his eyes close again and allowed the rumble of the vehicle lull him into a light doze, although true sleep eluded him.

They didn’t keep going for too long. A shadow of something big fell over them when the vehicle started to slow down, and when Sideswipe looked, he could see the exact sight that had greeted him six years ago.

The outside of the aquarium rose true and tall into the sky, barely any smaller now despite the fact he had grown considerably since the first time he’d seen it.

Back home, then.

They began to move him but he barely bothered to look as he was lifted onto the back of a smaller vehicle, the kind they used to move Sunstreaker from the tank when they separated them.

No, _had_ used. Sunstreaker wasn’t here anymore. Sunstreaker was out there, in the wild now.

He had to believe he was. The alternative, that the day had come before Sunstreaker had reached the water… That was unacceptable. Sunstreaker was somewhere out there, swimming into the ocean, on his way to living the life he’d always wanted.

And Sideswipe was here. They moved him through the aquarium with the smaller vehicle, through the same corridors they had escaped through less than a day ago, all the way to their tank— _his_ tank, now. The artificial lights in the hallways and rooms didn’t hurt him the way the suns did; he couldn’t feel any warmth whatsoever wafting from them. The contrast was jarring, especially when combined with the cooler interior of the aquarium.

He hadn’t realized it was so much cooler inside than it was out. Maybe the difference hadn’t been as drastic during the night.

He stared up at the high ceiling of the room their— _his_ —tank was in as they lowered him onto the floor, out of the reach of the water. They didn’t cut him free right away like he had half expected they would, but that was all well. He wasn’t in a hurry. The thought of moving didn’t much appeal to him between the sedative and his injuries.

The humans gave attention to those next, turning him onto his side. Just like he’d thought, they knew how to make it hurt less. He wasn’t sure what they did to dumb the pain, but Sideswipe sighed when he could feel some of the hurt fading away. Some of the humans were at his back, some at his front, and after waiting for a moment for some invisible signal, they began to carefully pick out the debris embedded in his wounds, at his palms as well as at his underside.

It didn’t really hurt. Maybe a little bit, but they’d numbed him too well, and the sedation took care of the rest. He found himself not really caring even when he could hear their discoveries falling into the little containers they’d laid on the floor. He started bleeding again, red trickling down his skin and filling his nose with its scent, but he’d expected that much would happen. It didn’t disturb him. They rinsed the most of it off every now and then, probably so they could see to work despite it.

It continued for a while that had Sideswipe dozing again, the sedation as well as the lacking sleep after the tiresome night before getting to him. He jerked to partial alertness when they untied his arms and patted his flank with the permission to return to the water. Disoriented, he didn't move right away, and it took another pat before he rolled back to his front and got his arms under himself.

His palms felt raw, but putting weight on them didn’t outright hurt anymore. Same applied to his underside. There was a distant kind of discomfort, but that was all.

He’d probably feel it all later, but for the time being he would enjoy the lack of pain.

Sideswipe turned around a little unsteadily and dragged himself to the platform’s edge, from where he fell into the warm water. The salt in it stung in his wounds, but it wasn’t the worst thing ever.

Sunstreaker’s smell was all over the place. That was worse. His throat tightened, and despite his exhaustion, Sideswipe couldn’t help but swim a few rounds in what had been their together home for years. So small. So much smaller than the infinite outdoors Sunstreaker was now traversing.

But it would do for Sideswipe. It would have to do. He’d had his chance, and he had been too weak to take it.

So this was his home now—now and forever.

He didn’t want to think about the distance between them, and he was tired. So Sideswipe swam to the center of the tank, right to the bottom, and curled up on the warm floor. Why was the floor warm anyway? None of the floors elsewhere in the aquarium had been, nor was the ground outside.

He fell asleep to that thought, incapable of reaching an answer.

* * *

Sideswipe wasn’t sure how long he was out for—it was so hard to tell without the suns moving across the sky—but it couldn’t have been too long. He still felt tired when noises from above the water woke him up and made him raise his head.

He couldn’t make sense of them, but… Something was happening. 

Curiosity piqued, Sideswipe kicked himself from the bottom and swam closer to the surface, where he stopped to listen again, peering through the water’s surface to the platform.

What he saw made his heart sink.

There was a large shape resting on the platform, colored in muted yellow. A very, very familiar muted yellow. The humans were moving around it, crouching, standing, petting, touching in all the ways he knew Sunstreaker hated, but he expected they’d drugged Sunstreaker out of his mind.

They’d brought Sunstreaker back.

Selfishly he felt a burst of relief, but it was overshadowed by despair. Sunstreaker had wanted so badly to be free. And he’d gotten so far—further than Sideswipe. Who knew how far exactly.

But he’d failed.

He’d _failed._

The humans had caught him anyway, and brought him back. Back to the starting point.

Everything had been for nothing. All of it had been for nothing. Their escape, the pain they’d been through.

The point where they’d parted ways.

All for nothing.

He didn’t feel tired anymore. Anxious energy electrified his veins and Sideswipe jumped from the water onto the platform, nearly bowling over one of the humans. They exclaimed, but he only had eyes for Sunstreaker.

It didn’t look like he was conscious, resting on the ground with his arms tied. The humans had been picking gravel from his wounds, he could see the little bloody bits in the containers they had on the ground.

Sunstreaker was here.

It wasn’t a good thing.

It wasn’t cause for happiness.

The humans pushed at him and told him to get back to the water, and Sideswipe went, reluctantly, because there wasn’t much he could do anyway. The waveless water surrounded him all over again and he set to swimming the perimeter of the tank, close to the surface, keeping a constant eye on what was happening on the platform. 

Sunstreaker came to only some time after the humans had already backed away, and Sideswipe wondered how much they’d needed to knock him out. He doubted Sunstreaker had gotten caught as willingly as he had.

He doubted this would be pleasant.

He waited until Sunstreaker’s twitches turned into full fledged motion and his brother had a look around.

Sideswipe could _feel_ the resulting growl reverberate all the way into the water and he shrank back to the other end of the tank.

The humans were hanging back, but that didn’t save them. Sunstreaker lunged just as soon as he was lucid enough to do so, and even uncoordinated, he was big and strong. Far more so than any of the humans.

They yelled and tried to get out of his way, but one wasn’t lucky enough and got crushed between Sunstreaker’s bulk and the wall.

The humans fled the room, abandoning their comrade, and left without targets, Sunstreaker staggered to the water.

Sideswipe stayed at the furthest side of the tank as Sunstreaker slipped into the pool. He glanced around, eyes still a little hazy, and his gaze landed on Sideswipe, and then–

Then he just looked away, as if he hadn’t even seen him.

Swallowing hard, Sideswipe approached, unable to take the distance between them any longer. “Sunstreaker, I’m-”

Sunstreaker swam away as he got closer without so much as a glance his way. Sideswipe opened and closed his mouth a few times, staring after his brother.

He hadn’t expected things would’ve ever been the same after they’d left their tank last night, but this wasn’t how it was supposed to be.

How it was supposed to be was with the both of them in the wild right now, free and away from the humans.

Instead he had been too weak to truly claim his freedom, and Sunstreaker had left him, and Sunstreaker–

Sunstreaker had failed. He had tried, and Sideswipe could only imagine how hard he had tried, but he had failed.

Would it have been different if Sideswipe had carried on? Could they have reached the ocean together?

Did Sunstreaker blame him for not being there for him? Because Sideswipe hadn’t been there for him in what had likely been the most important night of their lives. Sideswipe had forsaken him, left him to battle the rest of the way alone.

Sunstreaker had always been there for him, and he hadn’t even been able to return the favor when it mattered the most.

Sunstreaker didn’t speak a single word to him for the rest of the day, and despite how tired his brother had to be, Sunstreaker didn’t sleep either. Just kept swimming, keeping his distance from Sideswipe. Every time Sideswipe tried to approach with words of apologies, Sunstreaker would just dodge and keep the distance between them.

Eventually Sideswipe stopped trying. If Sunstreaker didn’t want to talk to him… He could understand why that was. He’d betrayed Sunstreaker at the worst possible time, had given up and let the humans come for him without even trying to fight it. 

He’d been _relieved_ to return to the tank. Their prison. He’d been _relieved_ when the humans had fussed over him and reduced the hurts from their escape attempt.

Sunstreaker? He would’ve bet his tail Sunstreaker hadn’t gone down willingly and hadn’t been relieved to have the humans attend to his injuries. He was just angry to have been returned to the tank, and there was nothing that could’ve made up for that.

Sunstreaker had wanted to be free so badly.

Why hadn’t Sideswipe?

What was wrong with him?

* * *

Sunstreaker wouldn’t talk to him. He wouldn’t even acknowledge his existence, no matter how Sideswipe tried to cut to his path to force Sunstreaker to even _look_ at him. Just once to snap Sunstreaker out of it and... 

Was it so bad he wanted his brother’s attention?

But Sunstreaker wouldn’t give it to him, and despite the days that had passed, he was still nothing but a tense bundle of anger. Some of that was aimed at the humans no doubt, but Sideswipe also knew a large portion of it was for him.

And that was why Sunstreaker wouldn’t even look at him, wouldn’t talk to him, definitely wouldn’t touch him. Sideswipe had tried everything he could think of, trying to elicit some sort of a reaction.

But Sunstreaker wouldn’t even slag him. Sideswipe would’ve taken even that. Even a fight would’ve been better than this.

There was _one_ thing he hadn’t dared try yet, though, but he was desperate now. Desperate to have even a moment of his twin’s attention on him, and it could only end badly, but after one more failed attempt to block Sunstreaker’s path only for Sunstreaker to veer around him, Sideswipe swam after him and grabbed Sunstreaker by the tail. “Sunny, please! I’m s-”

Before he could finish his sentence, Sunstreaker growled deep from his chest, and before Sideswipe knew what had happened, he was already pinned against the wall of the tank with an arm pressing against his throat.

Sunstreaker was looking at him. There was nothing but anger in his eyes, but he was _looking at him,_ staring him straight in the eye, and Sideswipe wanted to melt into a puddle from the sheer relief of it. He didn’t even care if the next step was to get ripped to shreds for having pushed Sunstreaker too far. He had Sunstreaker’s attention on him, and that was all that mattered.

Except… It was over before it had really even begun. Sunstreaker stared at him for a moment, furious, and then as suddenly as he’d pinned him, he released him, and... 

Swam away.

Without a single word.

How much longer? Sunstreaker had never been angry at him for this long, but then… Never before had the reasons for his anger been this grave. This big.

Would Sunstreaker _ever_ forgive him? Sideswipe wasn’t sure he could ever forgive _himself._ How could he expect Sunstreaker to do that if even he couldn’t?

* * *

It continued on like that, day after day. Sunstreaker swam and ignored him, continuously.

Sideswipe kept trying to get his attention, growing more and more desperate, but nothing he did worked. Sunstreaker wouldn’t even strike him, and before that much at least had always been easy to achieve with how much of a temper Sunstreaker had.

But it was like Sunstreaker was so angry he was beyond anger at this point.

Sideswipe couldn’t entirely blame him.

It would’ve been so much better if they’d gotten separated, if… If Sunstreaker had succeeded.

If Sunstreaker was in the wild even now, like he wanted to be. If he was happy out there, even if it was without Sideswipe. Even if Sideswipe was here, where he apparently wanted to be if his inability to continue where Sunstreaker had was anything to go by.

It would’ve been so much better.

He just wanted Sunstreaker to be happy, and he couldn’t be that here.

They’d replaced the doors. Instead of ones moving on their hinges, there were now sliding ones, and they were thick and interlocked when they were closed.

Sunstreaker had tried to break them down too, one frustration filled night.

He hadn’t managed. And who knew what was beyond them anymore, how much the humans had tightened their security to prevent them from escaping again. There was no doubt in Sideswipe’s mind that they wanted to do that: keep their escape from repeating. They’d gone through so much trouble to get them back. Sunstreaker had never shared how he’d gotten caught—hadn’t spoken a single word to him—but it couldn’t have been easy.

Yet the humans had put in the effort for reasons he couldn’t understand. Why couldn’t they just let Sunstreaker go when it was so obvious he wanted to? They had rescued Sideswipe, but he doubted Sunstreaker had needed rescuing.

Sunstreaker had to have reached the water, and he had to have gotten pretty far before the humans caught him.

And Sunstreaker wouldn’t cool down now. The humans couldn’t get anywhere near him anymore. He didn’t come when called, and when he did go, it was only on his own terms and only to attack the humans. They learned quickly to stay out of his way.

Sideswipe found himself doing the opposite. He was almost desperate for the humans’ attention, because it was a distraction from Sunstreaker’s silent treatment. Sometimes he went to the platform even when he hadn’t been called, just to greet the humans, to get their orders. He didn’t really care about the treats he was given as rewards, just…

Anything to get his mind away from Sunstreaker and the way he continued to circle their tank like an angry shark. The water practically boiled with his anger every time Sideswipe sought out the humans, but what else was he supposed to do? He couldn’t keep living ignored by his only friend every moment of every day.

So he threw himself at the humans instead, tried to drown out everything else by giving all of him to the practice and the shows. Sunstreaker had stopped taking orders entirely, but it was fine because Sideswipe was twice as eager to take all of them. The humans capitalized on that, much to his relief. They spent more time with him than ever before, entertained him and let him entertain them, and it felt good for the first time in his life.

It kept him distracted from the thoughts of their failed escape, of the wild, of Sunstreaker and his sorrow over Sunstreaker’s silence. 

Sunstreaker still wouldn’t talk to him, and every day Sideswipe spent pleasing the humans he could feel the chasm between them only widening. He’d already betrayed Sunstreaker by abandoning him for the sake of the easy life in the tank, when he’d been too attached to it to continue onward to the wild because of some lousy _injuries_ that hadn’t stopped Sunstreaker.

Now he was only twisting the knife in the wound by playing the humans’ friend, despite what they had done to Sunstreaker.

What they had stolen from Sunstreaker.

What they, once upon a time, had stolen from them both.

Had he forgotten that? Had he forgotten the way they’d killed their carrier and lifted them from the ocean? Humans were enemies.

Why didn’t he treat them as such anymore?

But he couldn’t take the way Sunstreaker ignored him. The humans didn’t ignore him. They praised him, they pet him, they gave him attention.

And he and Sunstreaker drifted further apart, no matter how they were locked in the same tank.

* * *

Sunstreaker’s aggression, at first mostly internalized, began to direct itself outward as time went on. He still refused to aim any of it at Sideswipe no matter how Sideswipe wished he could’ve gotten even that negative attention, but he began to lash out at the tank walls and at the equipment the humans ever set up. His body suffered from it more than inanimate objects did, but Sideswipe was pretty familiar with the kind of frustration that forced you to act to try to dispel even a sliver of it.

Why hadn’t he felt as much of it recently?

Sunstreaker had some for the both of them, though. No matter what, Sideswipe didn’t get a single taste of it, but within a few days of Sunstreaker starting to act out, the humans came to be its targets. They would be minding their own business, or attending to Sideswipe, only for Sunstreaker to lunge from the water without warning and try to crush them, or bite them, or scratch them, or anything else he just could.

Every time Sideswipe got in the way, Sunstreaker would stop as suddenly as he had started, _denying_ Sideswipe the chance to feel his anger on him.

He would just pretend Sideswipe didn’t even exist, as he had ever since the humans had dragged him back. 

But Sideswipe could only protect the humans so many times, and the humans only managed to luck out and avoid Sunstreaker so many times. Sunstreaker became insistent, attacking the humans any chance he got, but he refused to allow the humans to move him from the tank, only returning to the water before they got the chance.

There wasn’t much the humans could do to him while he was in the water.

A few times he landed scratches, but it was never anything more serious than that.

Until it was.

Sideswipe didn’t make it in time. Before he knew it, Sunstreaker had shot out of the water once more. Sideswipe swam after him right away, but Sunstreaker was too far ahead of him. There was screaming, and a _crunch,_ and then a bloody body was thrown into the water in front of him.

It was his favorite handler, the one that always pet him the most, the one that talked to him the most, the one that had him do the most tricks.

Dead.

Very, very dead, with a missing head.

He couldn’t help but feel this was meant as a personal attack as well as an attack on the humans. He’d been too friendly with the humans. Sunstreaker didn’t like that.

And Sideswipe couldn’t help but feel a little hurt, even as self-blame took root. He’d asked for this, hadn’t he? He wasn’t supposed to like the humans, not after everything they’d done to them. To him.

To Sunstreaker.

Especially to Sunstreaker. He’d picked the humans over his brother, hadn’t he? Ran right back into the humans’ arms when they’d already been on the cusp of freedom. Given up.

And with that, he might have ruined Sunstreaker’s chances of getting out, too. 

As if that wasn’t enough, he’d gotten friendly with their captors. There was no end to the way he’d betrayed Sunstreaker.

But what else was he supposed to do? Sunstreaker ignored him, had ignored him ever since. Was he supposed to just take it? Accept his punishment?

He was. It was his fault, he should’ve just…

He’d deserved it.

And maybe the humans had too. Definitely had too, but it still didn’t feel right.

He stared at the headless body and tried to calm down the conflicting emotions swirling in his chest. There wasn’t supposed to be any fondness for the humans in him. 

Yet there was. Particularly for this one.

And Sunstreaker had killed them.

Sunstreaker had to have known how much he’d liked this one.

And Sunstreaker had killed them.

Sunstreaker returned to the water, mouth bloodied. He still wouldn’t look at him, but Sideswipe couldn’t help the accusatory gaze he sent his brother’s way.

Sunstreaker knew.

And Sunstreaker had done it anyway.

He’d deserved it.

But it still hurt.

* * *

He tried to limit the time he spent with the humans after that, just to avoid giving Sunstreaker more reasons to attack them.

It didn’t really work. Sunstreaker kept attacking them. Maybe Sideswipe had already done the damage and now there was nothing he could do to rewind it, or maybe Sunstreaker would’ve done it despite anything he did. 

Sideswipe could only interfere so often. Sometimes he didn’t manage.

Sometimes the humans didn’t manage, either. Sunstreaker was big and strong and surprisingly fast when he wanted to be, and _vicious._

And he still didn’t speak a word to Sideswipe.

Didn’t acknowledge his existence.

He’d lost count of how many nights he’d slept alone. Gone were the times when they’d curl up together to draw comfort from each other.

All ruined by Sideswipe.

Sunstreaker wouldn’t move past it or forget, so he couldn’t either.

How different would it have been if they were both out there right now? None of this would have needed to happen. Sure, maybe they wouldn’t have succeeded even if he had continued with Sunstreaker.

But maybe they had.

And if he’d continued, Sunstreaker would have never had reason to leave him.

He wouldn’t have a reason to be angry at him.

To ignore him.

And yet here they were, all because Sideswipe hadn’t been able to carry on.

Everything ruined by one small moment. Just one moment of _weakness._

Why hadn’t he continued?

Sunstreaker kept raging, against the circumstances, against the humans. He wouldn’t give. He wouldn’t look at Sideswipe, would pretend to not hear any time Sideswipe tried to speak to him.

Every time he pleaded to him. _Please, just talk to me. Please, just stop attacking the humans._

Please, just let things go back to the way they were.

But he knew that could never happen. Even if Sunstreaker stopped his silent treatment one day, things would never be the same again.

Not after what Sideswipe had done.

* * *

Sunstreaker was getting out of control. The humans managed to avoid further casualties, but only because they stayed stupidly vigilant any time they were in the tank’s room. They never let Sunstreaker out of their sights and left as soon as he looked ready to attack.

There were still injuries, though, times when they didn’t move fast enough. Blood that splattered onto the floor outside of the tank—blood that Sunstreaker carried back into the water with him.

They could barely do anything with Sideswipe because of the danger Sunstreaker posed and he felt so, so lonely without _anyone_ to give him attention, not even the humans. Sunstreaker still ignored him.

Sunstreaker always ignored him.

Sideswipe thought he might go mad. They’d been so close before that one night that had rocked their whole world.

And he still couldn’t help but think it was all his fault. That kept him from pushing the matter.

Sunstreaker had the right to be mad at him. Sunstreaker had the right to ignore him.

He guessed they would’ve wanted to remove Sunstreaker from the tank, and they sedated him a few times, but Sunstreaker was always quicker than they were and made it back into the water before the sedatives took full effect on him. Sideswipe couldn’t understand his insistence to stay in this tank. What did it matter if he was with Sideswipe? Unless it was just to rub how much he was ignoring him in his face.

Couldn’t do that if you were in another tank.

But whatever his reasons, here Sunstreaker stayed, ignoring Sideswipe and forcing Sideswipe to go largely ignored by the humans too. It was just too dangerous to be in the room for any length of time. Sunstreaker made sure of that.

The humans always came in groups now, so that some could do whatever they came to do, and others stay on guard. It was ridiculous what kind of precautions Sunstreaker had forced them to take, but Sideswipe could understand not wanting any more deaths or injuries.

Like every other time the humans came, Sunstreaker only stayed in the water for a time before he attacked all over again. Sideswipe wanted to jump out of the water to try to put himself in between his brother and the humans, but they yelled the order to stay in the water at him. Reluctant and confused, he nevertheless obeyed even as Sunstreaker shot out, beelining for one of the humans.

Sideswipe watched from the water. Another of the humans had the black thing in their arms they’d used on Sunstreaker several times before, and the moment Sunstreaker had left the water, they fired it. The thing that had left its barrel hit Sunstreaker. The humans scurried out of his way.

A few heartbeats later Sideswipe could see Sunstreaker’s elbows wobble as the sedation took effect, and he wondered if this time it would manage to pull him down before Sunstreaker could return to the tank to sleep it off. Sunstreaker turned around and dragged himself a couple of paces—almost to the platform’s edge. So close–

But he collapsed before he could reach the water, his face dazed as his head drooped despite his best attempts. Sideswipe swam back and forth in front of the platform, conflicted.

They could remove Sunstreaker from the tank now. He hadn’t made it back to the water.

But did he want that? It was hell to be ignored by his twin, but… At least when they were together, there was the chance, however distant, that Sunstreaker could _stop_ ignoring him too. He couldn’t keep up the silent treatment forever, could he?

If they weren’t even in the same tank, there was no way for him to know if Sunstreaker had decided to start talking to him again.

But maybe a little distance was just what they both needed. Maybe Sunstreaker just needed some time to cool off.

And the humans could hang out with Sideswipe again, when Sunstreaker wasn’t there. 

Maybe this was a good thing.

Sunstreaker’s head dropped, tension left his body. He slumped. The humans approached, slowly and cautiously, as if they didn’t quite trust the sedation really had worked, even though Sideswipe doubted Sunstreaker had suddenly developed the patience to play pretend to trick the humans. Besides there was that out of it look in his eyes, the kind that would’ve been hard, nearly impossible to pretend.

A few seconds forward from that and a sense of wrongness overtook Sideswipe. Disquieted, he popped his head out of the water and stared intently on the platform. At Sunstreaker.

He couldn’t place it, but something was wrong. He could _feel_ it.

Something was wrong. _Different_ from usual.

Something wasn’t right.

He swam closer, letting his eyes pass all over Sunstreaker’s still body. He was sedated, he was _supposed_ to be still, there was nothing weird about that. It was usual that his eyes were open and staring into nothing, unconsciousness having claimed him.

So what deviated from the norm?

But as Sideswipe got closer, it suddenly hit him. The _silence._ Not of the tank, or of the humans. 

Sunstreaker’s silence. His body made noise even when he was asleep. Heartbeat. Breathing.

Sunstreaker’s chest wasn’t rising and falling anymore.

“No no no..!” Sideswipe rushed the rest of the way out of the water, jumping onto the platform and skidding to Sunstreaker’s side. The humans were yelling at him, telling him to get back into the water.

He ignored them, reaching out to touch Sunstreaker. His skin was cool from the air, but warm underneath that.

But his eyes were glassy.

His chest wasn’t moving.

His heart? Sideswipe couldn’t hear his heart.

A rush of emotion hit him like a rock wall waves had thrown him into. He couldn’t even name or place most of it. Fear. Panic.

More panic.

A mess of emotion that spun like a maelstrom under that one overarching theme.

Wrong wrong _wrong,_ something was wrong, everything was wrong.

The humans were still yelling at him, but his ears were ringing; he could barely hear them. Instead he grasped onto Sunstreaker, _shook him,_ as if that could undo whatever the humans had done and make his heart beat again.

Make his chest rise and fall again.

“Sunny sunny sunny, _no…”_

The humans touched him, but he lashed with his tail, knocking them clean off their feet.

He couldn’t tear his attention from Sunstreaker.

Still, still Sunstreaker.

Again the humans came at him, and this time Sideswipe snarled, swiping at the closest one with his hand, claws. They dodged out of the way, and he almost felt bad for it, but they left him alone. Just like he wanted them to.

He shook Sunstreaker harder, but there was no response. The feeling in his chest swelled, threatened to fill his ribcage to capacity, to suffocate him before cracking him open from the inside out. _“Sunny…”_

The humans kept jabbering at him. He kept ignoring them.

Water. If he could– If he could get Sunstreaker back into the water.

So Sideswipe moved to do just that, grabbing Sunstreaker by the arm to drag him into the tank. Where the humans couldn’t reach him, where they’d both be safe, where–

The humans used their black thing to shoot him too. Sideswipe hissed and plucked the resulting needle from his arm.

His vision began to shimmer.

“NO!” How could they?

Black crept at the edges of his vision. Strength left him, his arms gave out from under him.

He wouldn’t let go of Sunstreaker’s arm.

He wouldn’t.

_How could they?_


End file.
